Shame (although needed in healthy doses) can be a powerful and painful emotion. It whispers in our ears that we are not good enough, that we are flawed, or that something about us is unlovable. While everyone feels shame at times, when it becomes tangled with sexuality it can feel especially heavy, isolating, and difficult to talk about. 

As a counsellor, I often see how unspoken shame around sex and intimacy quietly shapes people’s lives. It can affect confidence, relationships, and even our ability to feel safe in our own skin. This post explores how shame works, how to identify shame, and ways we can begin to heal and overcome it. 

 

What Is Shame? 

Shame is different from guilt: 

• Guilt says: “I did something wrong.” 

• Shame says: “I am wrong.” 

Where guilt relates to actions, shame seeps deeper, attacking identity and self-worth. It often leads to self-criticism, perfectionism, withdrawal, or behaviours that mask how bad we feel inside. 

What is Sexual Shame? 

Sexuality is a core part of being human. When shame attaches itself here, it can feel as though who we are — not just what we do — is broken. 

Some common ways sexual shame shows up include: 

• Feeling that desires or fantasies are “wrong” or “dirty.” 

• Struggling with intimacy. Fear of judgement may cause us to hide parts of ourselves or avoid closeness altogether. 

• Becoming stuck in cycles of secrecy or compulsive behaviours. For some, shame fuels patterns that bring temporary relief but deepen self-blame afterwards. 

• Disconnecting from sexuality. Others may shut down desire or avoid intimacy, which over time can leave them feeling numb or unfulfilled. 

The Impact of Sexual Shame 

Living with sexual shame can affect many areas of life, including: 

• Self-esteem and confidence 

• Feeling like you’re living a ‘double life’ 

• Emotional wellbeing (anxiety, depression, self-loathing) 

• The ability to trust, communicate, and connect in relationships 

• Feeling safe to express needs, preferences, or boundaries 

• Finding joy and ease in intimacy 

Healing from Shame 

Naming shame is the first part of healing. While shame can feel overwhelming, it is possible to move beyond it. Counselling provides a safe, confidential space to explore these experiences with compassion. 

Some steps that support healing include: 

• Noticing shame when it arises. Naming it helps reduce its power. 

• Challenging old stories. Many of our beliefs about sex come from cultural, religious, or family messages — not from who we truly are. 

• Practicing self-compassion. Meeting yourself with kindness rather than harshness is key. 

• Sharing safely. Speaking about shame in a trusted space can break its silence. 

• Reconnecting with your body and desires. Learning to approach intimacy gently, at your own pace, helps rebuild trust with yourself. 

 

You Are Not Alone 

If you feel weighed down by shame — especially sexual shame — please know that many others struggle with these feelings too. You are not broken, and you don’t have to carry this in silence. 

Counselling can help you understand where these feelings come from, loosen their grip, and support you in reclaiming your sense of self and intimacy. 

If this resonates with you, you’re very welcome to get in touch with me to talk about how counselling might help.